my polsci finale

Update about my semester.

Hey, I passed my 199. Got “2.” But I was expecting a 3 or a 4 or a 5 because of all these things my adviser told me. Thank God I passed.

I enrolled in Basic Photography. CRS finally let me enlist in that subject. I am excited. I already have the SLR and the lenses prepared a week before the start of the semester. Their bags had accumulated dusts already that they looked grayish and yellowish. All I have to do now is find the tripod, buy batteries, films, and papers, and attend classes!

My other FUN subject this semester is Landscape Architecture 1. I thought it will be a theory class. But it has practical lessons as well. We’ll do some sketching, around 10 sketches the whole semester. I’m excited to learn. I’m just thinking that it will be a little awkward to do some beginner’s sketches beside Fine Arts students. Mind you, my class is composed of about 3 CSSP students, 3 AIT students, 3 CAL students, 2-3 CHE student, 1 CMC student, and the rest are all Fine Arts students (and all of them are seniors as well!!!). But yes I am still excited. I’m just a little disappointed that there is no good looking FA student in that class. Hehe! On second thought, there is this one guy who…never mind. The professor, who by the way designed Araneta, seems cool as well. I bet the subject will be really fun. Final project is landscape photography!!!

I also got Marine Science 1. I already am looking forward to the field trip. I have never been to any field trip before aside from the Corregidor field trip in Geog1 that I never really enjoyed because I didn’t have friends. We have a group project as well…a creative project! Haha! I will give that project my best, I swear!

And hey, one of my Polsci subjects requires an artwork also! The group presentation in my Ancient and Medieval Political Thought SHOULD BE an artwork. Hahaha!

SO I think I am having a great sem ahead. Since this is my last sem (it should be), I will make it to the point that this sem will be the best. And I should perform well, too.

I don’t know why but I am still that excited about it. Let’s see.

I’m gonna rock this sem big time! I promise I will!

had a talk with kat

I had a nice chat with one of my very, very few old college friends last Wednesday. I’m glad she pointed out something to me. We’ve both been confused of what we want to do. But looking at the possibilities of doing other things just somehow makes you less focused on what you are currently pursuing. It stops you from giving your all. In the end you become a mediocre on whatever field it is because you hoped to excel in other things aside from what you have in front of you. In the end you become a nobody instead of a somebody you could’ve been. Thinking about it really made me think of my low performance in school. I never gave my all. In fact, I can say that I never gave anything at all. And in those four years, I’ve always been complaining about my course and dreaming about another one. Not that I never thought about that before, it’s just that it really makes an impact when it comes from other people.

She’s right. But just like her, I have already made up my plan. I’d pursue this now and those later. Although I’ve already started at some point, my priority is what I have now and I’ll face the other things little by little after this. The point is, you have to have a planned and focused direction. No one had even driven a car that went straight to three different destinations at the same time. You are what you make of you and you can become what you want to be if you make yourself be that one the right way. It starts from planning. Dreaming is just a step of realization. The confusing part is actualization. You have to make a blue print at some point because that is the only way you’ll manage your future with so many career dreams.

I remember something from our school paper adviser. She said very rich imagination is oftentimes suicidal when we write without an outline because it makes our articles “sabog.” I never followed that. I never even tried applying that it real life situations. Where did it take me? Nowhere.

You need focus. But that does not mean you have to drop off all other dreams and ambitions you have. You just have to plan carefully and not try to squeeze everything in at the same spot. It will make your life “sabog” if you don’t. Based on my experiences, my dreams ended the moment I started them because I could not face everything at the same time. I have a formal education I should finish. Actualization needs process and planning. It takes time; it needs time. It does not happen the moment you jump off the cliff. You have to be patient enough to self actualize, be wise enough to have a good plan, and be disciplined enough to follow it.

It’s not wrong though to dream about some other things. You just should not be impulsive so much that you lose your focus. You should not really be thinking of dropping all your other dreams as well. The truth is, the moment you realize what you want to do, it sticks to you like a bubble gum stuck in your hair. You couldn’t really escape it.

Hi Daddy,

They came to visit you. I know you saw them. And maybe, just like everyone else, you were puzzled as well. You told my mom your siblings will more likely not visit you after you’re buried. (What is wrong with your family, Daddy?) After six years he came. That was the first time he entered your mausoleum; he was hesitant, I must say.

I told you it might be very, very difficult to forgive him. But I’m still a kid that a single visit might easily soften my heart. I told you that I don’t want to forgive him and that I don’t really want to see him visit you just so I’d have more reasons to hate him. I’ve lived with so much hatred on your brothers and sister that I’ve come to embrace it as if it was the only thing I could feel towards them. I know it is wrong. But how will I forgive them when year after year they give me reasons to hate them more. And daddy, how can I forget the things they’ve done to you and the things they didn’t? But that very day after some hours of my short talk with you, your brother came with his family and some of our cousins. I swear I would have thrown foul words on them if I wasn’t sane and decent enough that afternoon.

I just went outside to talk to some friends. I rushed back to Mommy after seeing them enter your resting place. I thought Mommy would feel cornered because they outnumbered her, Tita (who jumped off her seat and left when she saw them), and Ate Tinan.

I thought somehow things were changed – him visiting you, and his wife talking to mommy as if they never said anything foul about her. But the moment I stepped inside, he was just at the corner, standing. He didn’t even notice me approach him and grab his hand. He was literally at the corner of the room. I could feel he was avoiding our gazes. Maybe he was afraid and guilty. But I want to believe that he was simply an evil brother; going there was never his idea and he was avoiding gazes because it was a shame for him to be there.

But I’ve realized one thing. They were there because they had to clear their names. They were there to get your network. They had to win the election. They had to show people that the Guerreros are well so that your political friends will also support them. It had always been like that – you carrying him to his possible success, you covering him up on his goddamn mistakes (and him destroying you just to get your trophy). They are using you again. Am I wrong, Daddy?

Maybe I am thinking too much about their purpose. But knowing them, it is possible that all they want is a good image. They’ve shifted from being Ong haters to Ong supporters when they could not handle Ong’s actions against them anymore. I know they’d do anything for the sake of winning the game again.

Daddy I know you told Mommy to forgive him because he still is your brother. But it is just so hard to do that. I know you never thought I’d despise him like this because I was too young to understand everything. But I am not. I knew what was happening. I knew what he was doing. And I knew all along how much it killed you deep inside. I just cannot forgive. I just cannot trust him. How can I trust a man who treated his brother as his greatest rival? I’m sorry, daddy. Maybe things will change, maybe I’d be able to forgive him…it just won’t happen this early. He never gave me any reason to forgive him yet.

envy

kaninang umaga. nang minsang mainggit ako...


DOI: naisip ko lang, buti pa yung ibang walang pakealam sa direksyon ng buhay nila nakakapunta lang sa ibang bansa.

TINAN: de naman sila nakakapag-aral!

DOI: hhmmm...

kay sarap titigan

secret chamber

I am back to praying-for-a-miracle. I am back to having all these invitations to go to different churches and miraculous saints. Yesterday, my aunty gave me a rosary made and blessed by a healing priest. She also had a healing stone borrowed from a lay minister. I’m back. It’s back. And I can’t help but think that I’ve always been a burden, and that I’ve always been so unfortunate…and hindered. I wanna go far. I wanna fly high. I just want to be cured. We’ve given so much already. They’ve given so much already. Why does it have to go back?

ANSHS The20thBatch Volunteer Group

quotation is a parody of stand up for children's poster tag line.

dancing with the stars - aaron...and lacey

Everyone knows I’m a fan of Aaron Carter since “Crush On You.” So here is his first dance in Dancing With the Stars. Nababadingan ako sa kilos nya, but hey, they said he was good! They topped the Viennese Waltz dance (male stars), by the way. He’s back! (But I guess Nick looks better...)

And since I also like Lacey Schwimmer from So You Think You Can Dance (she was my bet then), here is her first dance with Mark (Iron Chef America) in this season's DWTS.

today

WARNING: This will be random. Exactly my train of thought while I type.

I just had my second consultation (yes, second) for thesis today. Contrary to what I’ve been imagining these past few days, I never felt anything. I think I again reached that numbness state; I can’t really seem to care right now. And I know that it is bad. I mean, being calm at times when you should be panicking already is bad (well, for me). How much more this? I do not care. And to think that I only have three weeks to actually revise everything is not a joke.

Anyway, I am really anticipating the semestral break we’re having, hopefully, though my schedule’s been telling me that I might not have a break. I really am looking forward to working on this little project I have in mind. I’ve been itching to do some serious stuff already…and by serious I mean serious, personal, self-fulfilling, self-actualizing stuff, not academic ones. I’ve already been checking some providers now to where I’d put this project. And so far I still am undecided. Free hosted sites aren’t really good, and I want this project to be really well structured and designed. After that however, I’d have to address some of my disturbing thoughts that actually bothers me. I think I have to create some fiction stories just to let them escape my mind. Some people might not understand it, but my mind had really been working on all sorts of images that they already bother me, most of the time it won’t even let me sleep. Sometimes I also wonder if I am as brutal as the scenarios my mind creates. They are unbelievably disturbing as if I am a killer or something near to that. The problem is I can’t close my mind from all these imaginations; it is impossible. And the thing is, most of the time, I let myself watch and feel those scenarios. So this is the problem of having rich imagination while being unable to execute them. It gives you paranoia. I can’t wait for my free days. My hands are itching. My mind is itching. Can’t wait.

I had a haircut today. I’ll post pictures later…or never?

Told you, this will be random.

Dear Lord,
I don’t know how long I’ll be waiting for that. I’ve been here and there but this thing never came. I’ve been dreaming about it. And I can no longer deny how much I long for it whenever I read something, watch movies, read essays and stuff. I’ve always thought I’d get everything in an instant. What have you been teaching me, Lord? Maybe the fact that I haven’t even realized what You are trying to tell me is enough justification of my not having it, or am I just making it up?

I know You’ve watched me close my eyes when I see something that reminds me much about it. I close my eyes whenever I remember it, my lacking of and longing for it. I know You’ve heard me many times making up all these stories in my mind that someday, somewhere it will just fall, bump me in the head, and wake me up. I know You’ve seen the scenarios I visualize every time. And You probably laugh every time You watch my train of images.


Dear Lord,
I guess You already know how much I feel about it. They’ve all created a new life, flipped another page and successfully made another chapter. I…I haven’t moved on. Was it my being too unsociable that kept me here alone? Or was it because I held on to it too much? I couldn’t feel them anymore. Did I just lose my closest friends? I couldn’t feel “US” anymore, and it breaks me to think that I am the only one who feels this way. Maybe they’ve really moved on already. But I miss them. I miss US. But I guess I’m all alone now, romanticizing all these things that never really bother them now.


Dear Lord,
I want to thank You for that dream. Thank You for letting me see him. Some people are skeptical about this kind of dreams, but I am not. I never felt guilty about it since that night, and I know what happened in that dream was true. Thank You for setting me free. Please tell him that I still miss him, and I still cry every time I think about him. I know I’m such a cry baby but he made us love him so much that it’s hard not to cry. And Lord, tell him I’m nearly entering law school just like we planned it. He wanted me to be a lawyer and nothing else, and I will be one just like how we envisioned it. I couldn’t stop myself from crying right now but I’m trying my best to be as quiet as possible so I won’t wake my sister up. I love him and I miss him, please tell him that.


Dear Lord,
Thank You. Thank You for protecting us. And thank You for helping us.